in time's endless passage i feel deserted,
   but it was i who left.
pushed on by a destiny i couldn't accept if it denied your presence,
       i still reach back through days and over miles to feel you.

lingering effortlessly on the fantastical notion that your skin rises to the touch i dream of,
    that your eyes get caught on nothingness as though they've met mine,
            like they had so many times and got tangled,
      my soul mangled by your dual positions of depth and resistence.

i ache for you, for a touch i feared, for a hand that faltered,
   for a breath which moved my being to question the truth of being before it.

it's not the if that concerns me any longer...only the when..the insufferable when....
 

your easy motions are slowly seeping out of my memories
   until i'm left only the still imprint of being inside my eyelids...
 and your voice,
           now vaguely encircling my dreams so that when i awake i mistake them,
   forget them and am grieved.

did the paint of wishes splatter inside my soul and create the moments
   the hope i breathe and the destiny i confide in.
 do i drift or navigate
       

what had to be said neglected my need for release, 
    in these moments of which i find my beliefs still forming...

              an endless growing blossom of what this life says.....yet it's not
it's overdrawn and dramatic,
         serious in ways i dare not comprehend as i play it
   and moving over me like suffocation might not breathe so bad

              am i too nondescript and morose?
                                 
i'm failing to identify with beings around me like they are clouds,
        failing to see my life  as a reality i might actually possess
                              life never sang this tune before and i just cant sing along

so i'm gone, and striving to draft treaty agreements with my god,  so he'll just let me be
   let me erase a few memories i never requested,
         take time for those moments i have not yet digested and give me a chance to be whole

                  ....if only i could find him

all these words,
fallen for years,   tripping on over bent ears in secret...
       spoken in moonlight to be debonaire...
   hissed in mistrust and hate and thrown back

                   calender pages with ripped edges chatter my name like numbered pages have any control
          i eat till i'm full, sleep when tired, love when ready, and cry when all else expires...
   reaching in vain, one hand out from long sleeves,
               just in case someone may need me too, for a change...

                                 moments so long in which i blanket myself with memories...
    peices somehow kept together from those broken...
                  absent clips over time pushed back in deep until they stay...
          images...non-sequential and rough edged...as if chewed....like sucker punches they hit
       lining up in detrimental combinations carefull planning couldnt commit...

tell me something sweet like it's got a right to be said...be my mourning star when i'm dead,
   love me like you loved her but better and sad,    take the rhythm from my lips

      wear me down in acid baselines and burnt beliefs on sanity...i need a little understanding
   so maybe i'll understand things myself             i'm not happy like this but i am

              knuckles strained in slow strangulation like sorrow is a religion and i'm god

was it like this before or did i open some door inside my mind,   did i let go or grab on
       will it become numb again or will i just live to bleed
                                    when he said my name i knew it he'd never known it

    and she drops daisies like they're time and i watch them grow a mountain just to have faith in something

             i pray something better finds me before nothings left cuz we're all fading into fogged memories 
                                  yet are worth is so much more